Judge Rejects Amish Request to Deal Privately with $33 million Ponzi Schemer

Your first question is going to be, of course, why would an Amish person need $33 million? To that I’d answer, what does anyone need with $33 million? Your next question might be, “But seriously? How much can a new churn cost?” And since you seem to be focused on the wrong aspects of this story right off the bat, I’ll direct you to this clip of Harrison Ford seducing Kelly McGillis with a radio in the Amish thriller Witness

Back in February, the small Amish enclave of Sugarcreek, Ohio, was rocked by a financial scandal that is noteworthy not because it’s a financial scandal, but because it’s financial scandal involving the Amish. (You can, of course, turn to Wikipedia for a quick brush-up on who the Amish are, and how they’re different from Mennonites; you can also watch this movie about Amish teens while having your mind blown and your heart broken.)

Monroe Beachy had been accepting the investments of his fellow villagers and some others not related to the church starting back in 1986, according to the SEC. His game: telling investors that he had access to solid U.S. government securities that offered higher returns than they would get from banks. What was actually happening, though, the suit alleges, is that Beachy was investing in junk bonds and other speculative investments – maybe, for instance, deposed Nigerian princes.

As with all Ponzi schemes, this one fell apart. (This is one of the many things that is always going to happen, by the way: your Ponzi scheme is eventually going to fail, Willem Dafoe is going to be SUPER creepy, what happens in Vegas never stays in Vegas, and that chick did have an Adam’s apple.) When Beachy declared personal bankruptcy back in 2010, according to a follow-up article in yesterday’s Washington Post, it was revealed that he owed investors $33 million, he only had $18 million in assets to cover those debts, and listed among those assets were a horse, buggy, and harness.

The Amish wanted to settle their score with Beach Amish-style (and just let your imagination run wild, Fight Clubbishly); however, a bankruptcy judge said that Amish-style is unconstitutional, citing separation of church and state. Also to be considered: not all of Beachy’s creditors are Amish.